Still hungry after all these years...

I have a weakness I must confess. I am an information addict. If there are words visible, I feel a compulsion to read them. When I visit a friend’s home, my first instinct is to check out the bookshelf. I love to read and to learn. But how much time do I really spend reading the Word? As a percentage, it is rather minuscule. An hour a week? Less sometimes? How often do I sit and quietly listen as God calls to me in prayer? Certainly not enough. I am sure my life would be different if I gave God’s word as much effort as I gave my straight-up information addiction.

The time is surely coming, says the Lord GOD, when I will send a famine on the land; not a famine of bread, or a thirst for water, but of hearing the words of the LORD. They shall wander from sea to sea, and from north to east; they shall run to and fro, seeking the word of the LORD, but they shall not find it. (Amos 8:11-12)

We live in an atmosphere of sensory overload. Everywhere I turn I see advertisements, and screens flickering with attractive images designed to cultivate desire and the secret promise of satisfaction. But I live in a constant state of unsatisfied desire. No matter how much I earn and how much I buy, I am never filled. I eat, only to grow hungry again. I learn only to discover the depth of my ignorance.

Only God can satisfy me as the proper end of my desire. Only God’s love as revealed in Christ can save me from the unending cycle of desire and fulfillment and desire again. In the midst of all this noise, in the cacophony of our culture, my true desire is for the word of the Lord. It is as if there is a famine of it. Even the major religious institutions seem to turn away from the word and promote political agendas and social reform. While these may be legitimate activities, it is the gospel which is the heart of the Body of Christ. It is the gospel I hunger for, and it seems that in my wandering from sea to sea, from north to east; in my running to and fro, I am wont to find it. Has that time come?

We certainly are not experiencing a famine of bread. Nor a thirst for water. America is blessed with abundance never before seen. But how are we sharing that wealth? How are we caring for the poor? How are we living the gospel? A famine indeed.

Self-reliance and Self-hatred

Leaning on the Lord

Oh how much energy I put into the construction of castles for myself. I trust that my petty structures will provide protection for me in times of trouble. Often I fail utterly in my trusting God. I want to feel safe by taking control of my destiny and making things happen. I am not alone in this because the bookstores are stocked with false prophets peddling self help and life improvement books.

Not that there is anything wrong with learning how to operate effectively in the world. Learning to compete in business is necessary to live in our world and if we do it fairly and with integrity it may be blessed by God. There is nothing wrong with saving for a rainy day or planning for retirement, these too are necessary in the financial structures into which we have been born. But it is where we ultimately place our trust that matters.

Thus says the LORD: Cursed are those who trust in mere mortals and make mere flesh their strength, whose hearts turn away from the LORD. They shall be like a shrub in the desert, and shall not see when relief comes. They shall live in the parched places of the wilderness, in an uninhabited salt land. Blessed are those who trust in the LORD, whose trust is the LORD. They shall be like a tree planted by water, sending out its roots by the stream. It shall not fear when heat comes, and its leaves shall stay green; in the year of drought it is not anxious, and it does not cease to bear fruit. (Jer 17:5-8)

If our ultimate trust is in our self power rather than in our creator and redeemer, we cheat ourselves of love and we impoverish those around us. The result of self-dependence or dependence upon mortal flesh (vulnerable and limited, contingent humanity) is fear. Fear is a devouring lion which wreaks havoc upon our relationships and upon our ability to truly live in the freedom which Christ gives to us. Love drives out fear and so it is to love which we must turn and in which we place our ultimate trust.

When God shows up in the midst of our crisis, it is to love He calls us to return. When he withholds the rain, it is to the stream our roots must go. I understand roots and radical to be etymologically related and so I take this to mean He calls us to radical trust in him, even in the danger and disaster of the drought. In The Wound of Knowledge, Rowan Williams reflects on the idea of a God acting in crisis to call us to dependence upon Him, “Self-dependence is revealed as a mechanism of self-destruction; to cling to it in the face of God’s invitation to trust is a thinly veiled self-hatred.”

If our ultimate trust is in our self, this is the opposite of self-love, it is self-hatred in disguise. If we trust in God we are fully alive, if we ultimately trust ourselves, we are in the dance of death and drowning in the fear which is a symptom of the nascent loveless-ness the enemy calls us into.

Love of Self

Self-Love

What does it mean to have a healthy self-love?

The great commandment enjoins us to Love God with all our heart, all our soul and with all our strength (Deut 6:5; 10:12; 26:16; 30:2,6; Jos 22:5; Matt 22:37; Mar; 12:30; Luk. 10:27). When Jesus spoke these words, he was firmly in the tradition of what righteousness was in Israel. He added to it what had been taught in the wisdom traditions as a practical manner of existing with one’s neighbor. Love your neighbor as yourself.

What is this self-love that he speaks of? I suggest that it is a love which is proper in its orientation because it emerges from the first two commandments love of God and neighbor. It is not a selfish and jealous possessiveness. It is not a self-absorbed obsessive-ness. It is a love which gives of itself until there is nothing of itself left to give and keeps giving because it has its source in the eternal abundance of the Godhead.

We are created in the image of God. To truly know ourselves, we must know God. To know God, we must know Christ, since Christ is the great mediator between God and humanity. He is our Great High Priest (Heb 4:14).

The good news is that we have a high priest who is not a self-righteous monarch sitting upon a lofty throne and far-removed from our everyday existence. Christ entered into the humble life of a Galilean peasant who laughed and cried, was hungry and thirsty, got angry and frustrated. He even entered into the very dark place of abandonment by God that we all feel at some point or another. “My God my God; Why have you forsaken me?”

That is the kind of love Jesus was. The kind which is faithful until the end. Faithful even when those he trusted had run. Faithful even when His Father had abandoned him to the cross. Faithful unto the emptiness of death. With a view to the resurrection we know that this is the kind of love Jesus is.

If we want to love ourselves, we must love God. If we want to love God, we love His son the Christ, Jesus. Because in the light of that love, death doesn’t have the last word.

Shine on You Crazy Diamond

Shine on Crazy Diamond

When we burn in our brilliance like the stars of heaven, there is massive amount of fuel consumed. I know that I go through periods of creativity which are utterly exhilarating, but also draining in a deep way. I need to recharge. I do this by spending time in quiet reflection and in peaceful solitude.

Where does this fuel come from? Where do we find the energy to shine brightly? If we find this energy in ourselves, we run the risk of burning out. But if we understand that what we are doing is building up the kingdom of God and we rely on our heavenly Father for assistance, guidance, and support, we can do seemingly superhuman things.

Self-reliance is a tricky deception. We are taught elements of it as a means to survive in the world. It is the gospel according to Hollywood and the theme of the American Dream. Pull yourself up by the bootstraps and go after what is yours.

May I never boast of anything except the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world. For neither circumcision nor uncircumcision is anything; but a new creation is everything! (Gal. 6:14-15)

A recognition that we are a new creation in Christ gives us the courage to reject the world’s message of self-reliance and individuality as the ultimate state. Not that individuality is bad, just the distorted view which places selfish desire at the heart of our purpose rather than the self-giving which is consistent with the divine image. When we are crucified with Christ, the world is crucified to us. The total reliance Jesus had on God to heal and to preach and to save is available to us. He gave us that by his work on the cross. He showed us the way to the Father through prayer and service. Our heavenly Father is waiting for us to return to him and will shower us with the gift of His own life.

So when we operate from a prideful self-reliance we are eating of that fruit in the garden which is the rejection of our humanity. We become like the arrogant and self-destructive rock stars who fall apart at the height of their fame and glory. When we seek to be God we block God’s action in us. We cut ourselves off from the source of good works which is our faith in God. But when we see ourselves in the light of Christ’s work on earth, we can begin to live from that source which is infinite and eternal. We are higher powered.

Humility: Part 2

Humility part two.

If Humility is an engagement with the truth, and we all are beggars at God’s table doesn’t that leave us as sniveling lumps of flesh quivering in fear?

Yuck.

There is a side of brilliance and glory to our humanity. There is something majestic about all of us. Each one of us is an individual creation which reflects the glory of God in a unique way. The catch to humility is to remain engaged with the truth of our brokenness and our glory- They both belong to God.

We come from God and are returning to God. All human creativity is God’s word spoken through us. There is an intimate relationship between human creativity and God’s working in the world. So celebrate your creativity! It is God’s gift to you. Glorify him by using it!

It does no service to hide away our gifts. It is not humility to say, “Oh no. I’m not very good at that.” If we are. That is false humility. That is a distortion of truth. Imagine if Michelangelo said I’m not so good, somebody else should paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Or Bach said, “Oh, the organ is not really my thing. I’m o.k. at it.”

Imagine if Jesus played down his healing power. Or Peter was falsely humble about his leadership. Or Paul about his preaching?

If you have been gifted by God. And we all have. Then live into those gifts. Do not be falsely humble, and do not be arrogant about them. Be real.

"You are the salt of the earth; but if salt has lost its taste, how can its saltiness be restored? It is no longer good for anything, but is thrown out and trampled under foot. "You are the light of the world. A city built on a hill cannot be hid. No one after lighting a lamp puts it under the bushel basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father in heaven. (Matt. 5:13-16)

Don’t hide your light out of fear and insecurity. Your gifts are God’s and God will be there to guide you in them. We can’t all be presidents or superstars, but we each have a role to play. Humility is living into that role honestly, with all our heart and all our mind and all our strength. Go on. Be brilliant.

Two Sides of Humility

Humility

I was going to write an entry on humility and about how humble I am, but there are not enough readers yet…

Just kidding. Humility is one seriously elusive virtue. What does it mean to be humble?

I think that there is a confusion between humility and humiliation. Though the latter may sometimes encourage the former, it is not necessarily so.

Let the believer who is lowly boast in being raised up, and the rich in being brought low, because the rich will disappear like a flower in the field. (James 1:9-10)

If you think of humility as sniveling and begging, perhaps there is truth in that. But it is not the whole truth. The best definition I have heard of humility is an honest engagement with the truth. It is understanding the truth of our own humanity and the truth of our imperfection. Even our skills and accomplishments, everything we’ve earned or achieved, all these will pass away.

The truth is, no matter how much earthly honor we have, no matter how blessed our lives appear, or how much it seems that God is smiling upon us, we all come to His table as beggars. God loves us all perfectly – even in our imperfection. In Christ, the perfect image of God in which we are all created has been restored.

The truth is we are all radically dependent upon the completely faithful God who gifts us with all the blessings we may, in turn, use to distinguish ourselves from one another. If you are an excellent administrator and salesperson and you have made a fortune in business, does that make you better in God’s eyes than the addict at the V.A. hospital who hasn’t recovered from war trauma? No. Does it make the president of the Episcopal Church Women or the gentle priest more valuable to God than the criminal or the beach-bum? No.

In fact it is easy to fall into the trap of associating our accomplishments (or our neighbor’s) or our possessions, including honor and respect, with our worth in God’s eyes. I do it. And the outcome of that nefarious activity is inevitably despair. Humility is the only cure. It is a grace which we must intentionally participate in.

The Pharisee, standing by himself, was praying thus, 'God, I thank you that I am not like other people: thieves, rogues, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give a tenth of all my income.' But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even look up to heaven, but was beating his breast and saying, 'God, be merciful to me, a sinner!” I tell you, this man went down to his home justified rather than the other; for all who exalt themselves will be humbled, but all who humble themselves will themselves will be exalted." (Luke 18:11-14)

Does this mean I run around begging for forgiveness non-stop? No. But this entry is getting long so tune in tomorrow for a look at the flip side of humility.

Next: the flip side.

Surfing and God

Surfing and God

I have been watching the new HBO show “John From Cincinnati” and I am not sure what to think. I should love it since it combines two of my favorite things, surfing and spirituality, but I haven’t made up my mind about it. It brings to mind a conundrum.

The suits have determined that spirituality is a profitable venture. I see this as a mixed blessing. first it is great that people have really begun to allow that there is more to life than what meets the eye and that the almighty scientific method leaves a few epistemological holes and simply cannot provide all the answers. I’m not knocking science, it just annoys me when folks take the same approach to science that radical extremists take to religion. Dogma is dogma.

On the other hand, there is a lot of nonsense out there. Spirituality is one of those topics that give the writer or guru free reign to lie and manipulate and basically say whatever they want to and back it up with calls to faith. I try to take a lightly scientific approach to faith. It works for me. Or, more accurately, I work for faith. I believe at least in part because of what I do.

I worship because it reminds me of who I am and whose I am. I sense the eternal in the rhythm and beauty of liturgy and I taste God’s grace when I participate in the Eucharist. It becomes real to me.

O come, let us sing to the LORD; let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation! Let us come into his presence with thanksgiving; let us make a joyful noise to him with songs of praise! For the LORD is a great God, and a great King above all gods. In his hand are the depths of the earth; the heights of the mountains are his also. The sea is his, for he made it, and the dry land, which his hands have formed. O come, let us worship and bow down, let us kneel before the LORD, our Maker! (Psalm 95:1-6)

But my acts of worship are not confined to Church. Surfing on a big day fills me with a sense of awe at the sheer powerlessness of humankind. If you have ever been worked by a triple-overhead set then you have tasted powerlessness. You go over the falls with a empty feeling in your gut, like when a plane drops five hundred feet in few seconds during a storm, and you enter the darkness. In it you twist and tumble pining for air and the feeling of death squeezes you and the roar of the water fills your ears. It is a feeling of total surrender until the wave releases its grip and you float in silence. A quick tug on your leash tells you which way is up and you go for it. But the sense of victory felt when you burst into the sunlight and gulp air is usually brief; because the next wave rolls at you like a white locomotive with Casey Jones all jacked up and driving. You get some air and dive!

I believe in miracles. I am just wary of a television program that lumps faith with the paranormal. And I am a bit uncomfortable with the liberal use of Jesus Christ as an expletive and prophetic visions as plot devices. But, I think I will keep watching. It is a little less shallow than my other new vice Entourage. I think it might be a good thing that people can ask questions about faith and spirituality. Maybe the idea that I have the answer is my thorn in the flesh. Maybe asking the question is more important than having the answer. God is the answer, what was the question?

Damn HBO on demand is addictive. But I would rather be surfing.

A Moment of Gratitude

Gratitude.

I like to think of myself as a grateful person. I try to say thank you as much as I can. I am appreciative of the little things, a quiet moment on the street with perfect light diffused across the trees and the soft contrast between the green of the leaves and the red of the brick. I appreciate finding a parking spot “good for tomorrow,” which means I don’t have to move it right away for the street sweepers. Today I am grateful to live near Prospect Park, which is like Central Park without tourists and without the stress. I ran through there like I was in the country, over dirt trails and across lush meadows, in deep shade and bright sun. Nice.

But these things are easy to be grateful for. What about the fact that I could run at all. That I can afford to buy food to replenish my energy? Don’t I take this for granted? Damn. I do. Once in a while I recite an elegantly crafted prayed from the Episcopal Prayer Book which covers the fruit of the harvest yada, yada, yada… But How do I live out my gratitude for life itself?

“In the day of prosperity, adversity is forgotten, and in the day of adversity, prosperity is not remembered.” (Sirach 11:25)

Gratitude is a type of un-forgetting. I un-forget how well I have been taken care of by God. I un-forget all those small things which are invisible because they are so everyday. Breathing. I had some serious asthma-like symptoms that was deemed Reactive Airway Disease when I was in college. I was running with the “rabbits” (the highly fit athletes in our ROTC unit) after a night of carousing and I suddenly couldn’t breathe. It was like I was choking on my own throat, I was terrified. You can bet I was grateful for breathing when my throat opened back up! But it didn’t last long.

When I have it is hard to remember what it was like to go without, and when I am without, it is hard to remember what it was like to have. I suppose gratitude is a way to live mindfully and to look for blessings in the everyday.

You should see the light in the trees outside my window right now. The birds are singing the glory of this moment. I am breathing deeply and I have forgotten suffering for now.