Forgiveness is Selfish

Forgiveness is Selfish

Wait a minute? How can forgiveness be selfish? Aren’t I releasing my claim on someone when I forgive them? Aren’t I the one who gives something up? Forgiveness is self-less. Right?

Wrong. Well, not really wrong, but not the whole picture either.

I recently had a rather powerful experience surrounding an ‘act’ of forgiveness. it really was a decision to forgive, spoken out loud in an atmosphere which was spiritually and emotionally charged. I was surrounded by men who would hold me accountable to this decision, so I don’t really have the luxury of waffling. But here is the kicker…this act had nothing to do with the person I chose to forgive. This decision was for me. I was the one carrying the burden of resentment. I was the one being ‘punished’ for the trespass.

“For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you; but if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive you.” (Matt. 6:14-15).

It has been said that carrying a resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. But like a drug, that poison can be addicting. Anger is an energy which gives the illusion of power. It is usually a dishonest emotion- it is a hiding place, a cover-up. Underneath anger is often sadness, hurt, or fear. In the moment of a transgression or injury anger provides us with the means to get out of the threatening situation by fighting or running. The real trouble, for me, starts when I hold onto the anger so that I can avoid those deeper feelings which I judge as weakness. I mean, who really likes to feel vulnerable?

The problem is that as time wears on and I return to the anger again and again to avoid those deeper feelings of hurt and sadness, I imprison myself in the past. Every moment I spend now, with the potential for joy and connection, is mortgaged to the anger and the hurt of the past. I cannot be fully present to anything in the present because so much of my life is tied up in the past. I begin to feel a loneliness and an anxiety which pollute every relationship and taint every possible moment of joy. Eventually, I invest so much emotional energy in maintaining the resentment that it seems that I am lost.

Forgiveness is the door to freedom. Forgiveness is the decision to let go of that claim on the trespasser. It seems like it is done for them, but it is our self which is set free. But there is a catch.

Forgiveness takes courage because it opens the door to those emotions which were held at bay by the anger. For me it opened the floodgates of sadness. I am not comfortable feeling sadness, and I hold it back with the energy of anger. I see sadness as a threat to my very identity, so it takes a lot of courage for me to feel my sadness. I have a lot of work to do. I am blessed with a group of men with whom I can do this work. If you desire the freedom and release of forgiveness, do yourself a favor. Find a loving community and/or a competent professional with whom to do the work.

There is of course a turn to my original statement about forgiveness being selfish. Once we make the courageous decision to forgive and face whatever emotional baggage we have been carrying, we become available to serve others. We become more able to love. The act of forgiveness helps to get the self out of the way so that we can live a more self-less life. When our emotional integrity returns our strength and power can be used for something more than reliving the past and holding our pain at bay. Our healing can become healing for others. In Christ we are a new creation- whole, loved and forgiven.